I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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