Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my being single is dangerous.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
