i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
