After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
