What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
