My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
