the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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