Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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