I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
