What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
