btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
