I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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