It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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