Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
