I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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