i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
