Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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