im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
