woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
