Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
That accounts for only three of the penises
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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