You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
