This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
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