Christians are straight up FREAKS
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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