Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
