This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
