Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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