After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
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All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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