i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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