First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
