he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
