"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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