Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
