Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
