A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i drank out of a bidet.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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