Where did you get a picture of my penis
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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