I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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