My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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