you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
