This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
