Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
