i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
