oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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