I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
