i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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