Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
