Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it was like eating out sand paper
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
