Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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