I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
