I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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