You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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