Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
