I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
