Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
