dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have fence marks all over my body
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
