if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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