i permit you to call me
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
